by hollytannen

15 July, 2012

“Julian Assange humps unborn kittens,” Sophie said, looking up from Rolling Stone magazine.

“You what?” I said, struggling to pull off my wellies without getting mud on the Persian rug.

Sophie sat in her blue velvet glider by the fireplace, a steaming cup of Aztec hot chocolate on the table and a pile of manuscripts on the floor. She was back from Lincolnshire, where she had been rehearsing with Gertie and Maud, Las Assangistas Del Norte. They are hoping to enter Britain’s Got Talent and win enough to make a CD and compensate Vaughan Smith for Julian’s liberation of his organic pigs.

“Julian says, ‘I’m accused of being everything from a cat torturer to a rapist to being overly concerned about my hair. The only ones I have to look forward to are some combination of bestiality and pedophilia.’ ”

She reached down and peered through the bottom of her bifocals at the papers beside the chair. She picked  up a yellow legal pad and read

Cat Describes Assault
(Tunbridge Wells, Kent, UK. 10 April, 2012)

Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, was accused today of humping unborn kittens.

An unidentified source told reporters that a Siamese cat wearing a rhinestone collar walked into the Tunbridge Wells Police Station Saturday last, saying she wished to file a complaint.

The Siamese stated that she lived on an estate adjacent to that of S_______, who had been harbouring Mr. Assange since December, 2011. The cat told police that Mr. Assange lured her into his house with promises of tuna. Once inside, he began to stroke her, despite her protests. She told him she was pregnant, but he continued to caress her in an increasingly intimate manner until she managed to escape through the window. At no point did Mr. Assange make good on his offer of tuna.

An Interpol Red Notice was sent out.

Although the forty-year-old ex-hacker is under house arrest and must wear a surveillance tag that reports his movements to the British Government, he is considered a terrorist threat so long as he has access to a laptop.


“Sophie, what do you intend doing with this?”

“I could send it to The Guardian.”

“David Leigh twote that Assange has suffered enough.”

“He should know.”

“What if someone takes it seriously?”

“Someone always does.”

“Sophie, I’d think more than twice about putting this up on the Net.  It could have repercussions.”

“Horse puckey,” said Sophie.