by Jaime Cojone, Los Angeles Times September 21, 2012, 4:20 pm
(Malibu Canyon, CA) A long-haired orange tabby cat told The Times today that she had been inappropriately fondled by Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks.
Lying on a poolside chaise lounge overlooking the Pacific Ocean, the cat told reporters she met Mr. Assange at a party in Reykjavik, Iceland, in 2010. She was sitting on the ex-hacker’s knee, she said, when he began to stroke her. When she objected, he held her on his lap by force.
Spaniel Dummesau-Berk, formerly of Berlin’s Chaos Commuter Club, found the allegations convincing. “When Julian with me stayed, he my tomcat Mr. Schitt terrorized. Since four years Schitty does not come out from under the bed, despite many colourful catnip mouses dangled by Angste, my equal.”
In an earlier incident, a Siamese cat told police that Mr. Assange had petted her against her will, tempting her with tuna.
A spokeschimp for PETA told The Times that the allegations, if true, were extremely serious. “These claims could cause irreparable damage to Mr. Assange’s reputation as an animal-lover,” signed the chimp.
Ms. F____ has spent the past three weeks in Hollywood, where HBO Films, DreamWorks Studios, and Universal Pictures are vying for rights to her story.
The forty-one-year old Australian, who has been holed up at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London since the nineteenth of June, has not returned phone calls from The Times.