LUNATIC FRINGE CELEBRATES BELTANE
DRAMATIS PERSONAE, ANIMALIAE, et OBJECTAE
SOPHIE GOLDSTEIN, aka High Priestess Sophia Goldenstone
NIGEL, an iguana, whom SOPHIE pocketed on an ecotour of the Galapagos
LITTLE FUDGIE, a retired dope-sniffing police dog
(TOR, The Onion Router, is encryption software used by WikiLeaks to secure internet communications. BELTANE – from the Irish Bealtaine – is a pre-Christian celebration of the first of May. Rafael Correa is president of Ecuador. Julian Assange is a mythological hero conjured up by the FRINGE, under the influence of 1300 micrograms of Owsley acid, at Beltane, 1970.)
SCENE: Ilkley Moor, West Yorkshire. Sunset. The full moon rises above the standing stones.
(Enter MAUD and GERTIE, accompanied by LITTLE FUDGIE)
FUDGIE: Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap.
NIGEL: Squeak. (NIGEL scuttles under Sophie’s priestess robe)
SOPHIE: Keep your cur away from my reptile. He’s endangered.
MAUD: I’m gonna tell President Correa.
SOPHIE: Your Spanish is worse than my !Xhosa. Listen up – Julian was interviewed by the CEO of Google. Bloke says, “I want to talk about Thor.” Julian says, “Thor or Tor?” The Googlehead goes, “Uh…” and Julesy says, “And Odin as well.”
(The crones cackle and high-five.)
MAUD: Always suspected he was pagan.
SOPHIE: He says he’s an atheist.
MAUD: Why disbelieve in just one god?
SOPHIE: Googlehead knows less about anonymizing software than I do, and I’m eighty-five. (SOPHIE looks at her wrinkled hands.) I’m so old I can’t remember the last time I had an orgasm.
GERTIE: Would you like to borrow one of our vibrators?
END OF PART ONE